


Colder than ice

by Jo_Heda



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Angst, Character Analysis, Emotional Hurt, Gen, It's kinda AU, PTSD, before Barry messed up the timeline again, caitlin fall to the dark side, caitlin snow centric, caitlin turns into killer frost, canon until the end of season 2
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-23
Updated: 2017-04-23
Packaged: 2018-10-23 01:25:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,713
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10709229
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jo_Heda/pseuds/Jo_Heda
Summary: Caitlin Snow has always tried to be strong but everyone has a breaking point.If Caitlin Snow can't go on, Killer Frost can.





	Colder than ice

**Author's Note:**

> I started writing this before season 3 started so I didn't know what storyline they had in mind for Killer Frost and I have to say that I didn't like the way they went with it.  
> I feel like Caitlin's character went through a lot but they handled her arc poorly.
> 
> -I apologize for eventual mistakes. English is not my first language.-

The day she lost her father, Caitlin Snow lost her mother too. Her whole world crumbled beneath her feet and she found herself alone even if she still had one parent left.

She would never forget the pain that came with her father death, the deep void that threatened to choke her when her mother stopped even looking at her.

Caitlin tried to be the best daughter a parents could ask, she did everything in her power to be seen but when her mother, her only family, didn’t show up at her graduation she stopped trying. When Caitlin started her first year at one of the best University and she finally left her house, she didn’t feel sad, she didn’t feel anything at all. 

 

The day she became officially a doctor she felt happy for the first time after years of void.

The same day Caitlin received a call from her mother and that part of her that kept hoping reappeared on the surface. When she answered the call and she heard dr Tannhauser congratulating with her for her success, Caitlin grabbed her phone tighter and a small smile cracked her lips. 

The hope started growing but before she could say anything her mother offered her a position at Tannhauser Industries. The young woman stayed silent for a few minutes, then she refused the offer and waited her mother answer, when the woman spoke with the same indifference she had used since her father death, Caitlin interrupted the call and threw her phone as far as she could in her room.

 

She started working at S.T.A.R. Labs almost immediately and she tried her best to keep a professional relationship with everyone. Then she met Ronnie. He started talking to her more and more and she fell for him. She fell in love with his bright smile, the way he was always so hot if compared to her, his stupid joke , his brilliant mind and his great heart.

When a year later Cisco became her new colleague, they became friend fast, bonding over their disastrous family and their love for their job. She started considering him her best friend and Caitlin felt at home after years of loneliness.

 

 

The years that she had spent at S.T.A.R. Labs before the particle accelerator exploded had been the best part of her life. Cisco, Ronnie and even Wells became her family and for the first time in a long time she didn’t feel alone.

Ronnie proposed and she thought that finally things were right, she was finally happy and loved, then everything went wrong.

 

Caitlin had thought that nothing would ever been as painful as losing her father and being abandoned by her mother but that wasn’t the truth. 

The moment she realized that the man she loved was dead she felt like dying herself. The void that saved her from the deep pain and the other feelings the first time wasn’t there. She couldn’t stop feeling and it was so painful she couldn’t breath.

 

The months before Barry woke up were a blur of cold and tears. She slowly started losing herself, piece by piece, until Cisco talked to her with shaking voice and trembling hands. He prayed her not to let the pain destroy her so she stopped her falling and tried to live, pushing away the memories of Ronnie smile and his warm presence.

 

Barry Allen woke up after nine months and in The Flash crusade she found a new purpose, something that could take her mind away from what she had lost.

Caitlin slowly got better, even if her heart kept bleeding she wasn’t alone and the cold that she always felt inside her became less harsh.

When Ronnie appeared in front of her, covered in flame, the world stopped for a second before it started going so fast she couldn’t process what was happening.

She had lost him and now he was standing right in front of her, alive and confused.

For the first time she felt the cold inside her leave her and the same hope that she had tried to push away with all her strength, came back stronger than ever.

Ronnie was alive and she felt alive too but it didn’t last.

 

In the same moment Ronnie kissed her before flying in the singularity to save the city she knew he wouldn’t come back. The tears were hot against her skin but the ring on her finger seemed made of ice.

Caitlin didn’t blame Barry. She couldn’t blame him because if she had let the cold win she wouldn’t have been able to stop it. 

She came back at S.T.A.R. Labs because working helped her not to think and that was all she wanted. Then Jay came.

 

Caitlin knew what pain was, she knew what betrayal and abandon felt like but even if life had never been easy for her, she tried her best not to feel like it wasn’t fair, like there was someone else that deserved to suffer more than her. 

So when Jay Garrick, the kind and heroic man that was starting to make her feel alive again died in front of her eyes, she did what she had always done. She blamed herself. 

 

She remembers with scary precision the moment when Cisco took Jay’s helmet and revealed his true identity. She can still hear the shock and hurt in his voice. She can feel the gust of wind that Barry caused when he sprinted away, searching for a place where he could let his scream ease the betrayal and the pain. She remembers the way Cisco looked at her and the step that Iris took in her direction not knowing what to do. It was funny how worried they were that she could break down when she felt nothing at all. 

 

The days after the revelation were a blur. They felt like lasting forever and passing too fast at the same time. Barry wasn’t fast enough and Zoom wasn’t going to stop. She started hating the way they kept trying to win this never-ending race; the way Barry would come back defeated but didn’t stop trying; the way Zoom mask seemed to grin at her from the screen when they watched them run and run. 

She wanted them stop. She wanted to go on and forget the way Hunter smiled at her and talked to her, the strange spark in his eyes that she had refused to acknowledge. She hated him for taking advantage of her fragility. But she hated herself more for letting him do it.

 

When Barry chose to give up his speed, Caitlin felt like her nightmare was finally coming to an end. So she stood there, in the lab with her team, watching as the hero turned human again under the enemy’s gaze. She let herself be selfish for once and at every step Barry took she felt like breathing again.

The exact moment the weight in her chest became lighter she knew that it couldn’t last. It was strange how slow the world seemed to move as Zoom pinned the former speedster to the wall, ready to kill him without a second thought.

Somewhere inside her head a voice kept screaming at her to shut up, to run away as far as she could and for a second she actually thought of doing it, of letting the fear take over, but she couldn’t. 

 

As soon as the words left her mouth everyone stopped breathing. His eyes suddenly were fixated on her and his grip on Barry started to loosen. There had been a moment then, when the man she had thought to know seemed to come to the surface, but the moment passed and as she heard the familiar sound of a thunder cracking, she knew that her nightmare was far from being over. It was just starting.

 

After the whole Zoom fiasco, when she talked to Cisco about the kidnapping, Caitlin lied. She said that even if she couldn’t remember those days well, she knew he didn’t hurt her. Cisco grabbed her hand softly, looked at her with sadness and love in his eyes and even if she could feel the guilt clenching her stomach, she gave him a small smile and changed the subject.

 

She couldn’t tell him how she still saw him everywhere she went, how her skin crawled every time someone got too close without a warning or the way her breathe got stuck in her throat without an apparent reason, making her feel like she was suffocating. 

The truth was that she remembered but she would have done anything to forget.

Caitlin kept hearing the way he said her name while he caressed her cheek and held the chain of her cuffs. 

Every night she felt his hands sinking in her hair and forcing her to look at him.

She heard his voice whispering angrily how naive she was to think that anyone could save her.

 

A month after her kidnapping, a year after Ronnie’s death, two decade after she had lost her family, after a lifetime spent fighting against the cold inside her, Caitlin stopped caring, Caitlin stopped trying.

 

Caitlin didn’t hate her mother for leaving her alone when she needed her the most. She didn’t hate Ronnie for deciding to die in order to save everyone.She didn’t hate Barry for his mistakes and his wrong decisions. 

Caitlin Snow didn’t but Killer Frost did.

 

She doesn’t know what awoke her power but two years after the explosion of the particle accelerator they did it and she didn’t try to stop it.

 

Killer Frost smirks as her fingertips turn white because of the frost. She walks slowly and bites her lips in anticipation when she sees the Flash appearing before her, the usual remorseful expression on his face. She can feel the ice forming in her hand and with no hesitation she attacks him.

When she feels the warmth leaving his body under her touch, she moves her hand around his neck, enjoying the desperate look in his eyes.

“Caitlin don’t do this. You don’t want this” He whispers weakly looking her in the eyes.

“Caitlin is dead”She says, her voice colder than ice.

 


End file.
